2004-10-31

Bleeding From the Insanity That Lurks Beneath

When I hear my mom and dad fighting, as much as I don't like my mom I still don't like it when I hear my dad call her a bitch or dumb bitch. I just don't like the image of my dad as a belittling asshole. They fought this morning. I had slept for four hours and they were fighting about nothing that matters.

When I went downstairs, they continued. I heard dad say stuff about divorce. I'd rather see them divorced than still together. Let's just face it, I don't even think they were ever in love.

I was probably a mistake.

I was watching one of my old tapes with stuff I recorded on it. I had footage of when Johnny Depp did Inside the Actors Studio. He says things I am totally in awe of and I mean that. I don't see him as an actor or a teen idol-like person. I see him as a person with incredible thoughts and theories.

I'm listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, most of the songs off By the Way. The sadder ones actually. I'm in quite a melancholy mood and I don't know why. I feel giving Zoe a bath or something. She is such a nice dog. She never bites and she is just always loving to you.

The whole idea of dogs blows my mind. It just blows my mind how other species act. What do they think? Do they have feelings like humans? I wish I knew what other animals were thinking. The whole thing blows my mind, seriously. I wish I was a dog. I wouldn't have to worry about real things that humans do.

I don't think any of this is real. Life. I don't think it's real. It doesn't feel like I exist. Maybe it's because I haven't had a good hug or a happy moment in awhile. It really saddens me. I think that having other people touching you is essential. You need to feel others there to feel alive. I don't feel alive. I feel like I'm a ghost and nobody is my friend and nobody listens to me. I'm just invisible like I never existed.

I just feel like babbling but overall I think I'm speaking my mind really well.

When I get older, I'm going to go to Paris, France and see Jim's grave. I wonder what'll happen inside me. I wonder if I'll cry. I wonder if I'll suddenly break out in a mood and start writing Morrison-like poetry.

Whenever I write poetry, and I know this sounds crazy, I feel like he got inside me and helped me write it. I just feel like we could have been friends. I can relate to him.

Also, I feel like nobody knows me. Entries like this really reflect the real me and I wish more people knew me. I should start not hating on everyone and just accept it and discover the beauty in everything.

I can live in my mind as long as I want because it's like my home. I wanna roll around on the floor in a wedding dress singing to Like A Virgin.

turbogeek at 5:53 p.m.

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